More parents feel exam stress than their children

As children prepare for exams, their support system often feels the pressure too. Neuroscience and mental fitness coach Liezel van der Westhuizen shares 5 evidence-based tips to keep calm, lead with clarity, and support your child without adding stress.

For families across South Africa, the exam period can feel like a high-stakes endurance race with external factors also weighing in. The good news: just as athletes train their bodies, parents and guardians can also lead their charges with calm authority rather than adding to the scramble – ensuring children’s minds have the tools to work hard and know when to rest too.

Research backs this up: stress in some children can boost focus in small doses (we’ve all had that hyperfocus from panicked motivation to finish homework with a deadline looming). However, that stress can become counterproductive when chronic.  And because humans are as affected by what’s going on in their minds as they are by the world around them, the parents’ mental health influences the child’s. We lead by example much of the time, and so more physical activity (even a 5-minute stretch and walk) and better mental fitness in parents tends to improve children’s mental well-being too. 

Here are five practical, neuroscience-informed tips for you to stay mentally strong – and help your child perform at their best without extra pressure: 

1. Model the Calm – Regulate Your Nervous System First

Rather than trying to micro-manage your child’s study hours, focus on your own rhythm. When your nervous system is on high alert (rushed breakfast, last-minute panic, tense conversations), your child’s brain mirrors that state.

Action steps:

• Start each morning with three deep exhalations (inhale = 4 secs, hold = 2, exhale = 6). This sends a calming signal to your autonomic nervous system. During breakfast, or before you all head out the door, you can do this then too.
• Set a “landing zone” after work: 5 minutes of quiet (walk, drink water) before any exam-talk begins. Kids need to unwind too, so encourage them to tune their mood to ‘good vibes’ with their favourite Spotify playlist and drinking water after school while trying to clear their mind of any exam overthinking.
• Avoid saying things like “You must get A’s” – especially when the exam period is already riddled with achievement stress. Instead, try to get the children to affirm: “We’ll do our best and adapt”, and emphasize to them that nothing else changes your love for them.
  Neuroscience note: When a parent is stressed, children’s stress systems activate too, counterintuitively weakening learning. Research shows sustained stress impairs hippocampal memory systems.  

2. Shift from Performance to Process

Kids often equate an exam with identity, believing that “If I don’t do well, I’m a failure.” The responsibility of those around children is to remind them that as they grow, they’re changing & learning, and that their performance doesn’t define who they are – though it affects, potentially, what they could become as contributing members of society. Neuroscience actually shows that a growth-mindset unlocks brain plasticity and resilience. 

Action steps:

• At the dinner table ask: “What strategy helped you today?” instead of “How many chapters did you finish?”. This is an opportunity to also encourage more critical thinking skills, where the child figures out notions of strategizing and can self-reflect on tactics to streamline their studying system. You’re encouraged to guide without imposing, as that’s one of the healthiest forms of support.
• Praise the process: “You stuck with that problem even when it got tricky – that’s exactly the neural-training that builds resilience.”
• Reinforce identity beyond the exam: “You’re resourceful, curious, and kind – the grade is just one piece of the story.”

3. Build Micro-Habits for Breaks and Recharge

Continuous studying without breaks increases cortisol and weakens memory retrieval. Remember when you used to study for extended periods and sometimes your vision would blur, you’d have to track back a page you read because you can’t recall what you just went through. Remember: Brief recovery windows are very effective!

Action steps:

• Suggest a “20:5” rhythm: after 20 minutes of study, take 5 minutes of movement (walk stairs, stretch, dance).
• Encourage YOU (parent) to join: a 2-minute wall-push or breath-work resets your nervous system, signalling calm to your child.
• Make the break non-negotiable: mark it on the schedule like a meeting. It’s non-negotiable even if the child says they’ve just gotten into the flow of studying.

4. Use Narrative Anchors

Just like an endurance athlete trains the mind to see the horizon, you can help your child (and yourself) keep perspective. When the moment feels “everything depends on this exam,” you lose wide-angle vision.

Action steps:

• Ask: “What will this look like in one year? Five years?” And help them see this is a chapter, not the whole book.
• Share your own example of resilience: “When I did my Ironman, there were miles I doubted I’d finish. Yet the finish line came because I kept going step by step.”
• Create a “Giraffe moment”: At the end of each study session, take a shared 30-second moment to stretch tall, breathe wide, visualise success – and not the grade, but the feeling of giving your best.

5. Maintain Your Own Physical and Mental Fitness

Your child’s brain will pick up on your energy and your mental-fitness habits more than your words. Research shows parental physical activity correlates with better mental health for both parent and child. 

Action steps:

• Schedule three 30-minute movement blocks in your week (walk, jog, yoga). Consider them non-negotiable, and remember that you don’t need to verbally bond during this time, but can silently be there for each other.
• At least twice a week, do a mini “mind-pause”: 5 minutes of mindfulness, body scan, or even sound-bath from your bowls (my own fluffy babies, Luke & Leia approve!).
• As a parent, talk to yourself like you talk to your child – replacing “If they don’t ace the exam, I’ll be disappointed” with “I trust they’ll do their best; I’ll support whatever the result.”

Exam time doesn’t just test children; it tests the whole family system. When you steadily support them without judgment or unfair expectations, your child has the space to stretch in ways that make them unique and can bring them to thrive.

Encourage conversations. Offer your grounding and grounded presence. Celebrate the process. And whatever the outcome, know you’ve built mental fitness that lasts far beyond the exam hall.